PATIENCE

Fortune favors the brave.  It's true.

As Sawyer continues to grow older each month I am amazed.  Time is flying by and the struggle with fertility and the adoption seem farther and farther away.  Just a distant memory.

Now that we are crammed into our little temporary home, living on top of each other with half of our things in storage.....the true test begins.  Have I REALLY learned how to be patient and have faith?

The old Stephanie would not cope well.  I need stability and certainty to function.  I need information, I NEED to be in control!  How can I live like this???

Sometimes, being willing to give up those comforts is what puts you in the running for the big prize.

And so I will. 

I will wait.  I will have patience.  I will believe that everything will happen as it should and when I tire of being so relaxed,  when I lose perspective and feel a little crazy...... I will look at this sweet face and remember all that is possible.

images:  mine

hat:  Lapsaky Organics

BEGIN AGAIN

Just days after the first failed adoption I got my second tattoo.

I needed a battle wound, a scar to show what I had been through and survived. I wanted a visible reminder of what I could endure, and so I got Begin Again. On my arm, where I could see it every day all day, in a place that others would see it too.  It felt important to not hide it.

Starting over is something that we all have to do, again and again and again.  It is a process I am very familiar with, a process I love/hate.  Often I don't feel capable, but usually I don't have a choice.  Almost always I am grateful in the end.

As with most sad endings, I was reluctant to move forward and start again.  We were stubborn to let our first birth mother go and tried endlessly to work things out.  Classic case of denial.

Cloudy with anger and resentment I felt too hurt to go back to the beginning.  I did not want to begin again, at all.

But then I did.   And thats when it happened.

Just days after deciding formally to move forward we got the call.  A little girl already born, in the hospital, mother gone, just 45 minutes from our house.  In an instant my loss was replaced with hope.

Within 24 hours we were holding her.  Ten days later we cleared our revocation period and had a champagne toast over her crib.  My pain vanished.  I was full of joy!  My faith in fresh starts was renewed.

This entire experience has changed me forever.  I am different now-  not just because of the ink on my arm or she sweet baby in  my life.  My perspective has changed, even my approach is new.  I am grateful to have learned so much about myself and about others.

If you are reading this and struggling with infertility my wish is that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  If you are down in the trenches, I hope our story might bring you new hope and maybe our happiness will inspire you to keep going, searching for some of your own.

Thank you to all the friends, family and followers that have supported me along the way.  Thanks for reading this week, while I finally share our story without being afraid of who might be reading it or what they might do.  Now that we are official I am excited to share more about our sweet girl Sawyer Nell.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments about adoption.  I am no expert, but I am an open book, anxious to encourage others.

images:  Kate Belle, the most amazing photographer and loveliest person
wardrobe:  my dress, Thakoon Addition, from the amazing girls of Les Novelles 

WISHES DO COME TRUE

 

There was a time or two (or ten) during this journey that I felt like I simply could not go on.  It is amazing to me the strength that your children can give to you.

I have never cared enough about what people might think to follow through with something when I truly felt defeated.  While I have always cared more then I should about other people's opinions, my fear of judgement was never strong enough to overcome fear of failure.

Everything changes when the eyes watching you closely belong to your child.  Suddenly you don't have a choice.  Giving up is not an option and excuses are worthless.  Actions always speak louder then words and in our home we try hard to lead by example.  

At times during this process I lost hope, but more then I wanted another baby I wanted sibling for Carson.  It was what she wished for every time she threw a coin into a fountain, and even though I always made the same wish hers was far more important.  

I will never forget telling Carson about the first adoption falling through.  She choked back tears and put on a brave face.  It crushed me. I felt like we failed her.  She was determined to stay strong because that was what she saw us doing.  Luckily we were able to keep our worry and tears tucked away until after her bed time.  

The best part of bringing Sawyer home was seeing Carson with her.  The child that never stops talking was silenced.  She held her in her arms and stared at her and then immediately put on matching pajamas.  She had been waiting so long to be a big sister.

One day, when age and maturity come between my girls, I am gonna remind them of this special day and tell them how incredibly lucky they are to have each other.

all images:  Kate Belle