Just days after the first failed adoption I got my second tattoo.
I needed a battle wound, a scar to show what I had been through and survived. I wanted a visible reminder of what I could endure, and so I got Begin Again. On my arm, where I could see it every day all day, in a place that others would see it too. It felt important to not hide it.
Starting over is something that we all have to do, again and again and again. It is a process I am very familiar with, a process I love/hate. Often I don't feel capable, but usually I don't have a choice. Almost always I am grateful in the end.
As with most sad endings, I was reluctant to move forward and start again. We were stubborn to let our first birth mother go and tried endlessly to work things out. Classic case of denial.
Cloudy with anger and resentment I felt too hurt to go back to the beginning. I did not want to begin again, at all.
But then I did. And thats when it happened.
Just days after deciding formally to move forward we got the call. A little girl already born, in the hospital, mother gone, just 45 minutes from our house. In an instant my loss was replaced with hope.
Within 24 hours we were holding her. Ten days later we cleared our revocation period and had a champagne toast over her crib. My pain vanished. I was full of joy! My faith in fresh starts was renewed.
This entire experience has changed me forever. I am different now- not just because of the ink on my arm or she sweet baby in my life. My perspective has changed, even my approach is new. I am grateful to have learned so much about myself and about others.
If you are reading this and struggling with infertility my wish is that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. If you are down in the trenches, I hope our story might bring you new hope and maybe our happiness will inspire you to keep going, searching for some of your own.
Thank you to all the friends, family and followers that have supported me along the way. Thanks for reading this week, while I finally share our story without being afraid of who might be reading it or what they might do. Now that we are official I am excited to share more about our sweet girl Sawyer Nell.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments about adoption. I am no expert, but I am an open book, anxious to encourage others.
images: Kate Belle, the most amazing photographer and loveliest person
wardrobe: my dress, Thakoon Addition, from the amazing girls of Les Novelles