BEGIN AGAIN

Sunday, April 28, 2013










































Just days after the first failed adoption I got my second tattoo.

I needed a battle wound, a scar to show what I had been through and survived. I wanted a visible reminder of what I could endure, and so I got Begin Again. On my arm, where I could see it every day all day, in a place that others would see it too.  It felt important to not hide it.

Starting over is something that we all have to do, again and again and again.  It is a process I am very familiar with, a process I love/hate.  Often I don't feel capable, but usually I don't have a choice.  Almost always I am grateful in the end.

As with most sad endings, I was reluctant to move forward and start again.  We were stubborn to let our first birth mother go and tried endlessly to work things out.  Classic case of denial.

Cloudy with anger and resentment I felt too hurt to go back to the beginning.  I did not want to begin again, at all.

But then I did.   And thats when it happened.

Just days after deciding formally to move forward we got the call.  A little girl already born, in the hospital, mother gone, just 45 minutes from our house.  In an instant my loss was replaced with hope.

Within 24 hours we were holding her.  Ten days later we cleared our revocation period and had a champagne toast over her crib.  My pain vanished.  I was full of joy!  My faith in fresh starts was renewed.

This entire experience has changed me forever.  I am different now-  not just because of the ink on my arm or she sweet baby in  my life.  My perspective has changed, even my approach is new.  I am grateful to have learned so much about myself and about others.

If you are reading this and struggling with infertility my wish is that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  If you are down in the trenches, I hope our story might bring you new hope and maybe our happiness will inspire you to keep going, searching for some of your own.

Thank you to all the friends, family and followers that have supported me along the way.  Thanks for reading this week, while I finally share our story without being afraid of who might be reading it or what they might do.  Now that we are official I am excited to share more about our sweet girl Sawyer Nell.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments about adoption.  I am no expert, but I am an open book, anxious to encourage others.

images:  Kate Belle, the most amazing photographer and loveliest person
wardrobe:  my dress, Thakoon Addition, from the amazing girls of Les Novelles 

10 comments:

Margaret Pate said...

This is the exact same way I feel about tattoos. Living in Tennessee and being a proper lady doesn't mix with ink. Every time I get a new tattoo I have this overwhelming sense of self that is empowering. Go for and get another. I have 6 now! And congrats. I love adoption stories, because I was adopted. Though it was something I struggled with, I have grown to see how much love is involved in it. It is love to be taken into another family. And love to be given away (as the birth parents cannot give the child the life they wish they could)
So much joy and support going your way... See you on pinterest!
Maggie Pate | inks+thread
http://inksandthread.blogspot.com/

katie//salt+pine said...

Thanks for letting us follow the journey...I am so happy for you and your family (of four!)! A relative stranger from far away, I have been rooting for you all the way. What a wonderful end (and beginning) you've posted this week!

xo-k

(PS I absolutely love the tattoo...)

Allison Cox said...

We couldn't be happier for you all! The photos are just beautiful as are you, Cuyler, Carson, and Sawyer. You are all very blessed to have and hold each other.

XOXO, Allison, Michael, and Cameron

Mizzie said...

I couldn't make it through the whole story beacuse of how emotional I felt reading it. Thank goodness I've heard it so I know how it ends. : ) I was on the verge of a real tear filled breakdown. This is an amazing story and you are an amazing family. Thank you for sharing. It's inspiring to hear "begin again", I might even get it tattooed as well (promise not to copy yours ; ) ) and realize that as you say people have to do it or chose to do it all the time. And that's OK..it's even a good thing.

molly lubs tompkins said...

This is the most beautiful post. I found it through your pins and am so happy I did. Congratulations to you and your amazing family. After being in the trenches many years back this opens my heart up with emotion and I am so happy for your family. Love and Peace to you from Rhode Island.

ale norris said...

i am so happy for you guys and absolutely love, love, love the way these moments were captured for you guys. you have such a great, heart-wrenching story and i'm glad that you are so willing to share it.
congratulations to you guys!

stephanie said...

I feel really lucky to have support from such a talented group of women. Thank you for following along and for taking the time to write! It means so much!

Nadia said...

I have always loved your blog (a way of how I found your sisters too!), your inspiring talent to write, sense of style and awesome posts. So happy and touching to read your words about adoption and most specially to read your happiness. You deserve it! A toast from South Texas for you and your beautiful family!

Behind the Mirror said...

This a beautiful story... Thank you so much for sharing! You have a beautiful family.

drcoreydousharm said...

This is absolutely amazing!! We have been dealing with infertility for 3 years now, and hopefully on our way to trying IVF, but I've always had adoption on my mind. Congrats on Miss Sawyer.....you have two beautiful girls with equally precious names!! Thank you for sharing!!

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